things I’d devote myself to studying if I didn’t have to work on selling
myself as a worker in the capitalist system:
hebrew + converting to judaism
I’ve been thinking about this because in class last night our prof told us to go out and do the thing we’re afraid of, the thing that is not sensible, but be happy doing it. today, as I saw people walking by with that energy of the first week back to school, I remembered when the thought of learning new things filled me with excitement rather than the worries I have now about the “real world”, paying my rent, graduating in less than ten years, having enough time to cook and do laundry and go running, taking care of delicate university friendships, et cetera. oftentimes I try to set down a short list of things of
ultimate importance that I promise to commit myself to so that I do a handful of things well instead of doing a mediocre job on many trying to stretch myself too tight. but this approach leaves me unsatisfied. this ravenous love of books and learning is the thing that I’ve most neglected, and because of it I think I’ve lost sight of some of the things that were once so important to me. I find it crazy how so many great, idealistic, passionate, and accomplished people have been avid readers. that is the kind of thing I was going for before, and have gotten a little bit lost along my way when suddenly faced with having to survive in the world we live in without great independent wealth to fund my studies at St. John’s or even more than twelve credits per semester at Concordia.
partially because I think there is no merit to live entirely isolated from the real world, partially in order to convince myself not to lament so much the fact that it could be no other way, I take it as positive that I am faced with the challenge of trying to strike a balance between this yearning for highly cerebral and lofty culture and the need to find a way to take care of myself.
(but to be perfectly honest, it’s mostly rationalization to mitigate my bitterness at missing out on living ensconced by the act of making love to knowledge at my dreamy radical liberal arts university.)