cultivating & crashing

an organic collection of notes, observations, and thoughts

Tag: family

* * * * *

I first came across the concept of adverse childhood experiences via a CBC Ideas talk on the subject a few years ago, and what I heard was unsettling. On the one hand, I realized that what I considered broadly to be a rough childhood had been given a name. There was something tangible to which I could point; the things I lived through were real, difficult, and their consequences were devastating. On the other hand, the associations that were found between these experiences and health in later life were thoroughly depressing, even despairing at times.

To file under: things with which there is nothing to do.



I just spent a little while with my family. I was constantly surrounded by family members, much of the time many of us piled on top of each other or congregating together on the same bed or couch. All around lovely.

Things I touched in those two weeks:

1 mouse (dead)
1 bee (subcutaneously)
1 exhaust pipe (ouch)
2 stink bugs
2 big dogs
3 beds
9 humans with whom I share DNA

And two things I loved from how Clelia speaks:
“ogni modo”


Yerba mala nunca muere (Coca)

La necesidad tiene cara de hereje (Piera)

Memory, breath, Freud

About two years ago Mike said something about how it bothered him that he didn’t know much about his family past some details about his grandparents. I’ve often thought about my own difficulties in finding out about even my grandmother, whom I’m named after, but whom no one wants to talk about save to say she was a saint. (Only some months ago I found out that she drank–that, like me, she liked whiskey on the rocks–and that she may have drank herself to death.) Like him, it makes me sad not to have more access to the people I came from, or even their stories. I understand that much of it is covered up because it’s ugly (alcoholism, depression, tragic deaths) but I still wish I could know about them and have a stronger sense of history. I remember Ariel having a book about some great-grand relatives of his, explaining their families, their children, and a bit of their life stories. I’d love to end up putting one of those together some decades from now for my great-grand-descendants, in case they ever wonder like I do.

At any rate, here’s a talk I enjoyed about lineages lost (and found), breath, and some messed up psychoanalytic theory.

Race Relations, from Tablet Magazine