An email about something you want

by Sofia

I was a funny kid.

• • •

from: Sofi

to: L

date: Wed, Jul 12, 2006 at 2:20 PM

subject: I wanna rat

Dear L,
I know you don’t think I should have a baby rat that’s on that’s up for adoption on Craigslist, but here’s why I should.
If I don’t take it, he goes to some person with a snake and the snake will eat it.
You don’t want that to happen, do you?
Signed,
Your sensitive daughter,
Sofi
Dear Sofi,
I’m glad you’re so compassionate, but I doubt that anyone would let a snake eat the rat.
Nice try, though.
Love,
L
Dear L,
Did you know that rats are really quiet and they’re cute too? I think they are much cuter than hamsters.
Love,
Your adorable daughter,
Sofi
Dear Sofi,
Tarantulas are quiet too, but I wouldn’t want one as a pet. By the way, that rat is uglier than Godzilla.
Just thought I’d mention it.
Love,
L
Dear L,
You would never even have to see the rat. I’ll keep his cage in my room on the dresser next to my soccer trophies. Plus, he’s so small, I bet you’ll never even know he’s there.
Love and a zillion and one kisses,
Sofi
Dear Sofi,
Rats can grow to be over forty centimeters long. You won’t have enough space in your whole room, much less on your dresser (with or without your trophies).
Love,
L
Dear L,
It takes two years for a rat to get that big. A book told me. I’ll be married by then and probably living in my own house.
Love,
Your smart and mature kid,
Sofi
Dear Sofi,
How are you going to get a boy to marry you when you own a half-meter-long rodent?
Love,
Your concerned father
Dear L,
Forget the boy.
I need a new friend now! This rat can be the brother I’ve always wanted!
Love,
Your lonely child,
Sofi
Dear Sofi,
You have a brother.
Love,
L
Dear L,
I know I have a brother but he’s just a baby .
What fun is that? If I had a rat, I could teach it tricks and things.
T doesn’t do tricks. He just burps and poops.
Love,
Grossed-out Sofi
Dear Sofi,
How do I know you’re ready for a pet? Remember what happened when our neighbor gave you that fish?
Love,
L
Dear L,
If I knew the fish was going to fall asleep like that, I never would have put him in hot soapy water!
Love,
Your daughter who has learned her lesson
P.S. Rats aren’t narcoleptic.
Dear Sofi,
Let’s say I let you have the rat on a trial basis. What exactly would you do to take care of it?
Love,
L
Dear L,
I would feed him every day (he eats pellets). And I would make sure he had enough water. And I would clean his cage when it got messy.
Love,
Responsible Sofi
P.S. What’s a trial basis?
Dear Sofi,
A trial basis means A and I see how well you take care of him for a week or two before we decide if you can have him forever. Remember, that snake owner and his snake are waiting!
Love,
L
P.S. If you clean his cage as well as you clean your room, you’re in trouble.
Dear L,
I’ll really, really, really, try to clean my room and the rat’s cage. Also, listen to this. I’ll pay for the pellets with my allowance. I mean, how much can one baby rat eat, anyway?
Love,
Sofi the financial wizard
“Are you sure you want to do this, Sofi?”
“Yes, L! I wanna rat… Please!”
Dear Sofi,
Look on your dresser.
Love,
L

“YESSSS! Thank you! Thank you!”

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