On hipsters

by Sofia

This piece of brilliance brought to you by Phillip.

The reason hipsters came about, actually, was because of the social sciences and humanities. Not too long ago, there lived a group of university aged urban intellectuals who couldn’t understand why they were so sullen and angry. They blamed their doting parents that provided them with a solidly middle class upbringing—you know, that tragic existence that orphans dream about as they cry themselves to sleep.

Anyway, these phi beta kappa tools were put into the humanities because they couldn’t succeed anywhere else. Not because they were stupid, but just really lazy. They took courses on Simmel where they came across terms like “blasé attitude” and Foucault with “panopticon” and “docile body” (I was going to insert a reference to the American penchant to exchange ‘O’ for an ‘A’ but didn’t). They soon realized that the world was against them, their parents a cog in the machine of the ‘man’ and that they needed to rebel. Against what no one is quite sure. If anyone knows who ‘the man’ is, could you tell the rest of us?

So, they started to create an aesthetic that represented their urban lifestyle… But how? Without much concern for income (mom and dad pay), safety (the police are there to protect) or democracy (well, duh) they couldn’t find much to rebel against. That is, until they read Marx. And by Jesus, they’ve been attacking capitalism ever since….. by buying expensive clothes that look like they came from a dumpster, drinking coffee from non-traditional coffee shops, repairing old bicycles to ride around the city, and by spending wads of cash on cigarettes and wine (as though the alcohol and tobacco industries aren’t run by quasi-gangster-cum-latté sipping yuppies). They don’t shave their face, armpits, and have hair that looks like it is the result of a rather unfortunate fork-in-socket incident. … Read More

So, what’s the problem? I mean, okay they look like idiots and the world will never wear plaid again. But, who cares, right? WRONG. Hipsters are actually the cause of global warming, urban poverty, hurricanes, gayness and, we’re not sure, but we think we can attribute racism. Do you want these disingenuous, middle-class, white assholes telling you that watching a blockbuster film supports abstract capitalism? Or telling you that shopping at most stores causes environmental degradation? No. We need to take back our streets from these idiots. Entire swaths of the urban environment have been lost: Plateau, Mile-End, and even parts of the downtown core near the Ghetto and around Concordia. If we don’t stop them, there’ll be a hipster squatting in your house… then what will you do?

You could wait until they turn 22, finish their education, get married and go work for “the man” and move out of Montréal…. but why? TAKE BACK THE NIGHT.